Having audience members fill out the cards wasn’t just for our own amusement (okay, mostly for our own amusement); there were prizes! Here were the top three “real-life sex experiences that are most like a porn movie” responses (judged by an audience applause-o-meter):
Drumroll…
3. “I joined nine guys in a basement in the Lower East Side and pissed on a Chelsea Boy named Mitch. It was hot.”
2. “In the heat of a one-night-stand with an actor, he exclaims ‘Oh, God! Oh, God!’
I say, ‘yes?’
He says, ‘I have a matinee.’ (It was 4 AM.)
I say, ‘Better hurry.’
He did.”
And the winner, earning himself a copy of “School Sluts 4″ (or some similarly named porno), shared this story:
1. “Fucking Argentine Ambassador to UN in back seat of cab.”
Short, but oh so sweet.
The other card handed out to audience members asked them to “pornify” the titles of the following Broadway shows:
Billy Elliot
Marry Poppins
The Phantom of the Opera
The top three pornifications of “Billy Elliot” are as follows:
3. “Bill Seeds Elliot”
2. “Billy Fell-On-It”
And the winner of a Civilians T-shirt (and a hearty round of deserving applause):
1. “Bill Me Eliot Spitzer”
And now the top three porno versions of The Phantom of the Opera:
3. “The Fun Dong of the Cock-ra”
2. “The Felching of the Oprah”
And the winner…
1. “The Bottom and the Topper-Ah!”
Finally, the three best titles of Mary Poppins porn (seriously, someone should pitch these, uh, somewhere):
3. “Merry Cockrings”
2. “Mary Poopins’: Fecal Porn”
And while we received quite a few cards that played on the “Poppin Mary/Cherry Poppins” theme, this person took the prize with a clever and hilariously twisted subtitle:
1. “Cherry Poppins: Supercuntyfucktasticsexperthalitosis!”
