Drumroll…

3. “I joined nine guys in a basement in the Lower East Side and pissed on a Chelsea Boy named Mitch. It was hot.”

2. “In the heat of a one-night-stand with an actor, he exclaims ‘Oh, God! Oh, God!’

I say, ‘yes?’

He says, ‘I have a matinee.’ (It was 4 AM.)

I say, ‘Better hurry.’

He did.”

And the winner, earning himself a copy of  “School Sluts 4″ (or some similarly named porno), shared this story:

1. “Fucking Argentine Ambassador to UN in back seat of cab.”

Short, but oh so sweet.

The other card handed out to audience members asked them to “pornify” the titles of the following Broadway shows:

Billy Elliot

Marry Poppins

The Phantom of the Opera

The top three pornifications of “Billy Elliot” are as follows:

3. “Bill Seeds Elliot”

2. “Billy Fell-On-It”

And the winner of a Civilians T-shirt (and a hearty round of deserving applause):

1. “Bill Me Eliot Spitzer”

And now the top three porno versions of The Phantom of the Opera:

3. “The Fun Dong of the Cock-ra”

2. “The Felching of the Oprah”

And the winner…

1. “The Bottom and the Topper-Ah!”

Finally, the three best titles of Mary Poppins porn (seriously, someone should pitch these, uh, somewhere):

3. “Merry Cockrings”

2. “Mary Poopins’: Fecal Porn”

And while we received quite a few cards that played on the “Poppin Mary/Cherry Poppins” theme, this person took the prize with a clever and hilariously twisted subtitle:

1. “Cherry Poppins: Supercuntyfucktasticsexperthalitosis!”

Second Word!

"Pooping!...Fucking!...Doggystyle!...Dancing?"

"A jig!"

"A robot! A machine! A SEX MACHINE!"

"Uh, which word is this again?"

"Ohhhhh, CUMsluts! One word...that's hard."

He earned a T-shirt for his efforts. Here’s Guy # 2, who was quite impressive (this was clearly not his first time playing porn charades…):

"Alright, let's do this. Fourth word!"

"Backpack! School! SCHOOLGIRL GETTING FUCKED!"

"Yes! Close! Not schoolgirl, but..."

Woah, no. Ew. That's disgusting, what's wrong with you?"

He almost got it, but the timer went off before the cast could guess “Sorority sisters.” So close! But he won a  T-shirt anyway, because we’re awesome.  And there you have it – Porn Charades! Play it at your next family game night, or something.

Upon arriving at Joe’s Pub for the cabaret, audience members were asked to spill some of their dirty secrets (anonymously, if they so wished) by filling out a few cards we had prepared. One asked them: “Tell us about your real-life sex experience that was most like a porn movie?” Here are some of the best responses we got:

– “Accidental orgy with Dartmouth College Crew Team.”

– “On vacation in New Orleans and talked a drunk frat boy (really built) into a blow job in the bar bathroom while his friends were outside. I’m a dude, too.”

– “I’m a dominatrix–my whole life is kind of a porno.”

– “Coke fueled orgy on New Years Eve – 2001. Note: A few years later, a participant of said orgy came to my company to apply for a job. I didn’t recognize him until he bent over.”

– “After Clinton, I did three interns in a three-way in the elevator: big black dude, hot hung German, and a WASP. As the elevator bell rang, we got off… HOT.”

Here’s the wonderfully talented Kelly McCreary performing a song by Michael Friedman inspired by the anal queen herself. If you watch porn you know who I mean.

Kelly McCreary performing at The Civilians' "Let Me Ascertain You: Porn"

Bess and I observed Axel directing a couple dialogue scenes on the bridge. One snafu was the fault of Hustler’s dry cleaners who apparently lost one of the gold shirts. So Chekhov (Joey Brass) and Kirk (Evan Stone) had to share a shirt and consequently couldn’t appear on the deck on the same time… until they had to. Then Chekhov got a red shirt which we all know means don’t beam down to the planet!  Red shirts always get killed.

After the dialogue we hung out flipping through old issues of Hustler’s Barely Legal (don’t you think if you can go to war and do porn at 18 you should be allowed to have a beer? I’m just saying… ) Oh, and a few other choice details:  the coffee table in the Hustler green room is a pole dancing platform. Also, at the doors leading out of the studio and dressing rooms were big signs reading “No Naked People Past This Point.” Which one of the starlets must not have seen as she stood in the receptionist area, naked, making a phone call.  Add to that at night standing behind a glass wall. Hello Canoga Park!

The long day wrapped up with Spock doing two alien girls in a prison cell.  As I mentioned Spock was hung. I felt a bit inferior, but then I am only a human.  A few good lines:  Spock: To boldy go where no man has gone before.  Axel (referring to Alien Girl #1): I think a few men have been in there before.  Alien Girl:  Yeah but you’d never know it.

Star Trek XXX

MM: Yeah.

BM: All right. And I hoped you’ve kissed ‘em right after that.

MM: I have.

BM: All right. It’s exactly the same thing.

MM: Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I was momentarily taken aback.

The show opened with a stunning dance number choreographed (I think) by Evil Angel impresario John Stagliano. More dancing later with Belladonna and girls. That one had a narrative that seemed to be about a dom aerobics? yoga? instructor. Some work out class that involved a lot of boob shaking and floor humping. And one bad student who got worked over by Belladonna. Spat on. Dragged around the floor. With a good beat

The Awards are broadcast on Showtime and whoever was in charge wisely got some footage before it all began of the audience laughing, guffawing, applauding and doing a standing ovation. Good thing because during the real show the porn talent audience didn’t do so much clapping much less a standing O. Very curious to see where the fake standing O might get inserted. Perhaps for Sasha Grey winning the Jenna Jameson Crossover Artist Award?  Cause in reality that audience was pretty damn silent. Stony even. Hard to know why, really. Do they not like Sasha and refuse to make for phony friendliness?  Or maybe they’re just not the pavlovian clappers we theater folk are.

Fave winning title:  Asses of Face Destruction.

I could go on but Vegas seriously sucked the life force out of me. But to wrap up: despite the exhaustion, etc. it was quite delightful to see many of our porn acquaintances at once – Kylie Ireland in a killer dress, the adorable Katie St. Ives, Seth Gamble, the always charming Nicki Hunter, Sunny Lane, Eric John & Vicki Chase & many more.

Now we just really want to see the porn parody of the X files. Kimberly Kane who plays Scully won for best actress and she seems like more fun than Gillian Anderson.  Sorry Gillian.

And thank you AVN for having us for the expo and the awards show. In the midst of this huge undertaking they really went the extra mile to help us out. Thanks and thanks and thanks.